


lend you broken parts that might fit

by pendules



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Episode: s10e07 Girls Girls Girls, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-26
Updated: 2014-11-26
Packaged: 2018-02-27 02:04:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2674769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pendules/pseuds/pendules
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coda to 10x07. Dean gets a call.</p>
            </blockquote>





	lend you broken parts that might fit

Dean knows it's not the end of it, that when they get home he'll probably get an earful about it. Because Sammy doesn't let things go, and he'll never admit it but maybe he's always been so grateful for that. That he's never afraid to call him on his bullshit. It goes better (and worse) than he expected, though.

Sam just looks at him as he drops his stuff on the table.

"You _are_ worth saving. And you _know_ that."

"Really? Why do I know that?"

"Because you do have people who love you. And we won't let you go that easily."

He's already turning away and heading to his room before Dean can begin to respond to that. Not that he knows how, anyway.

*

He's just taken his boots off and shut his eyes when his phone goes off. He reaches blindly for it, letting out a groan.

"Yeah?"

" _Dean_ ," and no one else says his name quite like that, a mixture of pleased and wistful and urgent and fond. But there's something else there too this time - something unsure. He's actually surprised it's him, because Cas hasn't been in touch in a while, pretty busy on his mission of biblical importance.

"Hey, Cas." It's good timing though, lack of sleep notwithstanding. He could use a friendly voice that isn't his (understandably) concerned little brother's.

"You sound weary." It's weird, how he can't hide things from Cas, even on the phone. Cas, who's supposed to be less than perceptive about human behaviour. But maybe he's always been fluent in Dean-isms, anyway.

"We just got back from a hunt. Well, wasn't supposed to be one anyway -" He's definitely not offering any details. Never mind that one other time at a brothel. That was _different_ , end days and all.

"Oh, are you and Sam okay?"

"Yeah, it was just your average witch-hooker-demon-vendetta thing. What's up with _you_?"

"I'm - well, I don't know, really. _Lost_." And he sounds it. As much as Cas could anyway. Somehow it sort of takes him back to a park bench in a tiny town and Cas telling him about his doubts, telling him things he'd never told anyone.

"Like, _physically_ lost? Don't you have a map?"

"No - well, Hannah had the map -"

"Hannah, like tried-to-make-you-kill-me Hannah?"

"Oh, yeah."

"Good times. What happened to her?"

"She left. Left the mission. Left _me_." He states it evenly, like a series of facts, like he's now trying to come to terms with it. Like he's confused.

"Oh - that's too bad, man. What are you going to do now?"

"I don't know. I was thinking about - I don't _know_ , Dean. I thought I knew what I was supposed to do, but now I don't know if I even have a purpose here anymore."

"Well, we've all been there." Dean knows _there_ very well. Dean's spent about half of his life since his dad died right _there_.

And then it hits him. Cas doesn't have to do this alone. Neither of them do.

"Hey, how far from here are you?"

"Not far. Could be there by tomorrow if I leave now. Do you need help with something - your, uh, demon-prostitute situation?"

"Uh, no, just - it'd be good to have you here."

And that's all it takes. Maybe he should learn to just ask for things sometimes.

"Okay."

*

Sam's out picking up dinner when Cas knocks on his door. And he can't help but think of the last time he was in his room, after they dragged him kicking and screaming back into the light. Sam, bless him, thinks he could do that forever by the sheer force of his will. Dean doesn't want to ever have to look at him when he realises he can't. And he won't; he'll be ash and dust and dirt. Doesn't want anything more than that. Will just be a memory until Sam's gone too, and then he won't be anything at all. But maybe - maybe Cas will remember too. Remember until the sun burns out and it all goes dark. It's almost enough to pull him out of his morbid thoughts.

"Hey, you want a beer or something?"

A slight smile, a shake of the head.

"Well, make yourself at home anyway." It's just an expression, right? He shouldn't be thinking too much about the implications.

"Okay."

Dean takes a pull of his beer before he speaks. "So, you thought about it? What you're gonna do now?"

"Yeah, I've learnt that driving lends itself well to contemplation."

"So?"

"Well, I thought I'd look up Jimmy Novak's family."

Dean doesn't know what he expected but it isn't _that_. "Really?"

"Yes."

"But - _why_?"

"Because - because I _took_ him from them. Because I caused pain, to them, and so many other families. We all did, my brothers and sisters and I."

"So, you're gonna - what, make amends? How exactly is that gonna work?"

"I don't _know_ , Dean," and it's frustrated. "I just - I have to start _somewhere_."

"I just - I don't get where this is coming from, man. You have to _explain_ it to me." He doesn't take his eyes off of Cas', determined.

"Hannah left - she left because she understood something in her short time on earth that I never did: that we're supposed to protect humanity, but we're not supposed to walk among them, we're not supposed to share in their pain and their happiness and their _love_."

A part of him has never understood, why Cas gave it all up, for humanity, for _him_. Why anyone would choose _this_. But he knows, of course he knows - knows it because of Sam and Bobby and Cas and the people he meets, the people he helps.

"Do you _really_ believe that?" Because Dean knows more than anyone that the angels are dicks most of the time and they've made a lot of messes that they had to clean up, but it seems so unfair at the same time. Cas - Cas deserves it, deserves to belong here, deserves to fuck up and be forgiven and to come home to something, to _someone_. Deserves all the stupid human things he wants. The things Dean wants.

"I don't know _what_ I believe. I haven't known for a long time." And Dean _hates_ how he sounds, so alone and scared.

"Since when?"

"Since - everything. Since _you_."

Dean, Dean rarely lets himself hope. Hope that Cas will stay, that one day he'll know, really know, what he means when he says _I need you_ , not _I need your help_ , or _I need your grace_ , just _I need you, here, to tell me if I'm doing the right thing, to talk to me, to tell me it's not my fault, even if I never believe you. To do the same for you._

"God, Cas, just - _fuck_ what you believe. Or what anyone believes. Things change, worlds end, we're all going out sooner or later. And it won't matter what the status quo is then. Nothing will matter. So what do you want _right now_?"

Cas just sits there for a while, silent, as the seconds tick by and he can probably feel the rotation of the earth and the rise and fall of the tides.

"I want to help people, humans, angels, everyone. And I want to do it with you. If you'll have me."

Dean just reaches for his hand.

"Always, Cas. _Always_."


End file.
